Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
