I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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