she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
