my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
its liver damage thursday
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
