She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
