i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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