I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
