why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
