Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
