I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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