im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
