I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
