I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
