i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
