apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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