Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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