I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
