I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
