Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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