just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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