whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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