Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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