new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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