you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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