I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
