I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
