It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
