Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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