I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
