I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
