I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
