he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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