why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
