things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
