i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
