dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
