Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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