I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
