I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
