I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
