I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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