Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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