Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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