My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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