I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
