a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
