I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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