you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
