I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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