Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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