just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there's paper in my vomit.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
